Yeah, well, they lied.

22 October, 2006

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will DESTROY me!

i thought about it the other day. Statements that were made that i can remember VERBATIM as if they were yesterday. Oh, i'm over them -- but i remember them. i'm not sure why they hurt so much. i mean, really, anyone else would have shrugged them off like lint or swatted them away like an irritating fly -- like a pest with no worth. They would have just gotten rid of the statements and dismissed them as meaningless.

React and you are giving creedence. But its so hard to NOT react! Hey, they're nobodies, they're losers, but still, they're WRONG and i've a mission to correct them if they're talking about me! i'll use honey first but i have no qualms about employing a Sadism that stretches WAY beyond a Sadist's Sadism.

i have my honor to defend ... don't i?

Try as i might to not care, i'm effected. i'd be better off laughing it off. But i think it reminds me too much of having been the designated scapegoat on a few occasions (occasions that became a way of life). There is nothing worse than being blamed for something you didn't create! Or being accused of the VERY traits owned and epitomized by an attacker. It makes me vicious actually -- intent on correcting their ill. i want to take the liars and the downpressers and MAKE them kiss themselves. THAT would be repulsive and i want them to FEEL repulsed by their repulsiveness.

Hell hath no fury like an ambassador of peace being misunderstood! my girl, Fiona, sings it perfectly in the song "Limp" -- "fondle my trigger then blame my gun". Yeah, well, i react. Sometimes i feel violent if violated -- for instance, i don't like someone stealing anything from my world (that includes my pretty vision of it). i'd rather fight than ignore. That's probably why i'm still here! i didn't succumb to the words.

Other times i tuck it away but that doesn't really work for me -- word assaults undefended become hauntings. i'd rather say something and wished i hadn't said it than say nothing and regret not saying something.

Take the simplest of negative statements -- they really have nothing to do with even the negative words. They are words buried underneath words. Innuendo is the worst of it because all i really want to do is expose the phony and make 'em 'fess up. i'd like to use electricity -- really MAKE them confess to what i see that others may not. Sarcasm -- that too -- that deserves a slow painful death and LOTS of blood.

A gun to the face is SO MUCH more honest than a coward's indirect knife to the back disguised as some esoteric humor.

Taunt me or menace me and just WATCH -- in the next breath you'll be blaming me for having called you out on your motivation to spew your putrid misery.

But that is about hateful people -- they're out there but this post is about the lighter fare. Let's just talk about the incidental -- the casual passing comments that inflict itches rather than pain. The problem is, the itches remain as a hidden rash. You learn to watch for it in the future just as you would look to avoid poison ivy. AVOID it as best you can! Try not to do anything that would allow the old rash to appear again.

"What did you do to your eyes? They look black and blue."

That was when i tried new eye-shadow and thought i had done well with the smokey effect.

"Those shoes are just like the ones the girls in the ghetto wear."

Platforms? i had just bought my first pair of sandals on lay-away, age 16 -- i thought they were all the rage!

"What costume did you wear THIS time?"

Do you mean Halloween? (No.) But wait a minute!! i thought i had a great sense of style! Flashy, sure, but quirky enough to blend sexy with arty, no? Didn't you think so?

"Oh. Nice. Nice stewardess outfit."

That was when i tried to dress with my own personal flare but more conservatively for a family event. i guess i'm really not meant to wear conservative.

Even today, if someone hurts my feelings simply through misreading me with a warped vision, i still attempt to vindicate myself AS IF i somehow erred. When will i finally see that twisted perceptions are formed through twisted minds and it has nothing to do with the subjects they condemn, but the insides they loathe in themselves?

Sticks and stones may break my bones and words will surely haunt me, but i finally learned how to block and strike and that means ......................... nothing! Words still hurt me sometimes!

Actually, i guess it really isn't so bad. Its the price you pay in order to know the other more positive side of it, that being PENETRATION. At least i have the pleasure of being receptive to penetration. i'm pliable, i'm easily hurt, i'm WIDE OPEN, and i get filled up. i know the utopia -- the place where i am putty and i FLOAT there above the world, above my self. Were i to be stone cold, nothing would enter, i'd never know the sensations i know. i'd never know the joy of pleasing another. i'd never know the inner recesses and without them, i'd be nothing but angry.

The next time they throw stones, i'll duck, i'll throw them back, and i'll walk forward ... step by step ... strong ... my eyes stronger than their will, and i will know strength in admitting hurt. They hurt others because they can't cope with their pain. i feel no pain from my scars. mine are battle scars and scars are sexy as along as they don't form hardened scar tissue.

i'll still smile while they snarl at my having figured out how to smile even through hurts deeper than their own.

my lining is just a tissue. Its filmy. It is protective but only to a degree. i still need to allow light to come in. With that come other things like undesirables ... sentiments that really try to undermine or destroy. i keep trying to tell them i'm on their side! But they are too thick and too dense and too consumed with their mass to see what i see. When you're made of an impenetrable repelling material, you resent the resilient materials ... and you'll resent someone like me.

Photograph: self portrait.