a masochist's process

23 October, 2006

i've gotten more accepting of it -- that being, my process of thought. There are two steps. The second counters the first. i think i was trained to think the first way and then i developed the second way to offset the first.

Step 1: Hear something, process it -- default: if its not glorifying me, it must mean i've failed! If i've failed, i either must defend my actions or apologize for them or clarify them. i must find approval! i must please! If i haven't, i beat myself up and obsess on how to make amends, how to find accord -- how to get the ego food that keeps me from destroying myself.

Example: last week, Master said something to the effect of, "Yes, you will have plenty of time with Me this weekend. Although, I am always disappointed that it is not enough. That cage awaits you and it is always a sad sight to see it empty."

i didn't get past the alarms, "always disappointed". That is ALL i saw! Immediately i thought it was to say that i am never satisfied -- that i am greedy, always wanting more -- that i am disappointing my Master by being insatiable. The words, "not enough" latched onto "always disappointed". my first reaction was to say, "wait a minute Master -- but aren't there good things about Your slave being insatiable?!". The masochist jumps to thinking the worst of herself. Read again, little girl. Read again. Then she re-read the words through Master's eyes rather than masochistic eyes and it took on an entirely different meaning.

Masochistic thinking means taking everything out of context and looking, often subconsciously, for reasons to verify that you are inferior or inadequate. When you are not doing that, you are looking for statements to bolster you. you basically just go through life, day to day, waiting for people to tell you if you have value. Self worth can be slammed and shattered easily just as it can be based on cheap expressions from strangers. A compliment means you're great, a beratement means you are nothing.

Now, here is the little thing i developed in myself in order to survive such distorted thinking!

Step 2: Look for SOMETHING -- one little spec of something -- ANYTHING on which to find merit in another's argument. If i can do that, i don't have to feel so intent on proving myself. If i can see that i DID err in some way, then i don't have to be on my mission to ... defend, apologize, clarify. i can better let it go.

NOW, what did i learn about this? Step 2 is ALSO the process of a masochist! Hey -- let's make sure the enemy IS right so i can let go of what feels like an injustice! Better to blame myself than another. Its easier that way. Self-flagellation. Its weird. But i feel better now in understanding that even my remedies and cures are steeped in masochism. Maybe i can now better accept that term? It used to have a creepy connotation. Masochists love pain. But i don't like certain kinds of pain! But, wait a minute!! Look at what i'm doing now?! Defending, apologizing, clarifying.