16 November, 2006 (day before surgery)i was hoping to go out on a bang, loving bangs as i do -- gangbangs, Master's BIG BANG, and the fact that Gwyneth, Mena, and Penelope ALL look better with bangs.
i wanted to just write up my little "how to cure a headache" post and leave it there to linger and waft around -- there's nothing like leaving people with your best signature when you think you'll be out of touch for awhile. Its nice to know someone will wear your essence when you're out of sight -- the RIGHT essence of you -- the one you like best about yourself. God forbid they remember your sweat when you want them remembering your musk!
But here i am to say GOD i was up all night starting at 2am. i have serious anxiety! i feel depressed from the wine i drank last night thinking it would relax me. i'm sore from that serious leg workout i did yesterday thinking it would be a good send off for the six weeks i'll need to stay out of the gym.
But, i did get my house neat and tidy. Everyone will be fed. Everyone's schedule is outlined meticulously ... and oh, that's right! We're out of cat food! One more errand, OH! And he lost his collar! Make that two more errands -- i'll need to get his little ID tag made up, too. You CANNOT ignore a collared animal without a collar! Imagine it! i'd be lost before even getting lost!
i'm scared and i'm excited ... i'm full with nervous energy and i think my anxiety is more about the fact that Master will have to play mommy. THAT scares me! i like the concept of "let's just get this over with" -- i want to fast forward to next week. i saw the doctor on Tuesday and i asked a few questions and almost started crying! Wow do i crumble when anxious.
my cat knows. He climbed up on my back this morning and OH how i LOVE his paws and his purr. Wow do i love sleeping on my tummy! i'll figure it out ... when there is a will, there is a way.
And wow do i LOVE pics of breast suspension and those rope bondage bras and SEVERE tit torture. i'll figure it out ... when there is a will, there is a way. Besides, there's always nipple torture and there are always other girls whose giant tits W/we can torment with exacting EXCRUCIATING evil and depravity!
i wish i were not writing this post. i am afraid to see Master!
i'm also deep breathing!
i don't understand the radio. i don't understand waking up to my music alarm to have to hear absolutely mindless music like the newest top ten that is one single line repeated the whole time "all she wants is another baby" and the music itself sounds like a Casio programmed tune. Its weird! i don't live here! Where am i?
Well, at least i figured out another travel destination for my list. i have no desire to see China but i MUST climb the Great Wall! i MUST!
Okay. Get a grip, little girl. Nothing has changed. Master is still here. you are starting to panic.
Okay and your candles arrived on time, didn't they? That's a good thing. i've got the Havana downstairs and the Madagascar in my bedroom -- scents ... i LOVE scents! Aromatherapy and Master's. And my own! Maybe that's what i ought to do -- do my usual. Wedge my fingers in between my lips and then between my cheeks. Maybe that will calm me down.
Okay, and so the Marc Anthony cd isn't all i hoped it to be. They said it was His best! But at least it arrived and its something new to listen to and well, i NEEDED TO KNOW! But that song isn't on this one, darnit!
Maybe i ought to go run even though i'm not one for running. Kickbox? DARE i do my kickboxing TODAY? Today before tomorrow? Decisions! SOS!
i think i'm out of sorts because i don't want Master to see me without my make-up on. That must be it.
Illustration by (my genius hero! or rather my 2nd genius hero!) Simon Benson.
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