Has anyone seen my Serotonin?

3 December, 2006 Master told me early on that He believed me to have more sensory receptors than the average person -- something about an abundance of extra sensitive open nerve endings . i think He's right! i think its why my orgasms are felt in Siberia and why flooding occurs in the Sahara -- i basically shake the world with my own release. Its also why, each day of last week, i went to work and envisioned the FEELING the glory in coming home from work to change into something comfortable. On the commute TO work, all i could do was think of the commute going home! i left work each day, did the multitudes of errands and shuttling and shopping and cooking ... and then INSTANTLY upon entering my house, changed into my new pink flannel pajamas. They are not flattering and they are not even cute or pretty. They're just soft -- REALLY soft. Its pathetic really -- i actually am still daydreaming about how great it feels. i get so anxious for it that my skin gets wet. i'm a VERY tactile person. i'll do anything to FEEL textures ... even brand new trade paperbacks at Borders. i don't go looking to read any new bestsellers -- i just feel them up! Its like aftercare -- after a severe session, i crave the babying so much and i slink down into the luxury of it all that i float for a very long time ... even a few days sometimes. Its like a long-lasting Valium. Or rather Quaalude. i LOVE the tranquility and i'm dying for it right now. i'm quiet right now but i'm not tranquil. i miss my slave self. Lately she's been consumed with the others residing within her. (Note my "streamlining" blog and you'll know exactly what i'm talking about.) i'm getting so far away from my slave self and that really disappoints me. To the point of tears actually. i cried a little while ago but it wasn't a big cry -- just an impromptu weep, over and done with in about 20 minutes. i'm just prone to it, i think. It must be those receptors. That and the fact that Serotonin has up and ran off again. Actually, i think i know exactly what is going on. i didn't do what makes me most happy -- i didn't provide Master with His release. O/our time together was limited this weekend even though W/we spent a good amount of time together -- W/we didn't have our intimate time together. i didn't even get to wear my steel collar, only my day collar and ... well, okay -- this makes sense. This is why i feel the quiet and the distance -- i feel that i disappointed by not living up to my fullest potential, that of being used extensively. That of being JUST a sexual creature. Add to this the comforts and something feels off. i only enjoy tenderness and pampering IF i've earned it. Hence, i think i'm feeling WAY FAR AWAY from my slave world and that usually is not at issue. Usually its all incorporated -- i never abandon one world for another ... and yet today i sit here in this very perplexing mood. i'm not sure where i am. The receptors either have me euphoric or downtrodden -- elated or down in the dumps. Where is the middle ground? Well, i guess its a good thing -- at least i'll never stagnate like the millions of complacent people in the world. i'll either be laughing my head off with glee (from life and love and sexual deviance) or i'll be deep in depression and fighting like heck to get out of it! There's the happy hysteria and the day-to-day delirium -- right now i'm looking for them as it seems that Serotonin not only took off -- it abducted my life, too! -- 2 -- These new tits are HEAVY. They're coming out on the sides now. my biceps keep rubbing the roundness and i like it. But the sensation is what drove me to have bought those new very UNsexy pajamas. One day i won't be able to wear those jammies again EVER. i get away with lots of forbidden comforts right now but once i live with Master, i'll be mostly naked or dressed in whorish attire. Oh, i say whoreish but really its just sexy -- sometimes its over the top, but sexy is whorish if you do it well -- it doesn't have to mean hot pants outside the Lincoln Tunnel. Which reminds me how much i used to LOVE circling the tunnel in the wee hours after leaving the clubs. If its intriguing and dark, a phenomenon to behold, you can bet i'll take up first row center until i'm ready to try it out, that is, IF its something that can't be passed up. Passing up the Lincoln Tunnel whores is a VERY GOOD idea! But watching will allow you a glimpse of a subculture that reminds you you are darn lucky to know a DIFFERENT subculture! i'm lucky to know the pleasure of full immersion in the gutter and too, the delicacy of being cared for. i'm a whore but i'm Master's whore. i'll serve Master's friends or even strangers when Master directs it. Those other whores have no Master. i FEEL their pain! i do! Its the receptors again. Those dirty busting-out-at-the-seams whores -- they have to suck off every Tom, Dick, and Harry with every disease and every bit of bad-hygiene or fear being beat up later and NOT because its some beautiful ritual in the dungeon. Rather than dismiss their life, i need to smoke it for awhile so that i can really understand what they feel. i'm lucky for all i get to know! i'm lucky that i get to really LIVE AND BREATHE emotion but i really didn't used to feel this way. i used to numb it. It was too busy killing me all the time or getting me into trouble, so i attempted to disguise it while wishing that in my next life, i'd come back not needing anyone or anything. i didn't want the receptors. i didn't want to FEEL everything. For the very same reasons that i can FEEL softness and searing pain turned soft, even before my flesh gets a real hint of it and for the same reasons i'm walking around like i'm reading Braille, touching everything in sight, i also feel the penetration deeply. i think i wasn't born with enough insulation. You NEED insulation! You cannot be exposed to the elements or you'll have hypothermia of the soul and that can kill a person, you know. The incision of disapproval, displeasure from another, my disappointing someone -- all those 'dis' words (discount, disgust!) gets through -- it SCREAMS failure at me. It cuts straight away to my vital organs. Heart and cunt. That could be why my cunt took over! To ameliorate my heart! The strangest things used to happen! i went on a subconscious quest to make sure the world was happy! i would never say "no". i'd thank the kind Men Who took me to dinner by not refusing Their advances. Surely, it was way too risky a proposition to CHANCE someone's NOT liking of me? i attempted to be agreeable at great cost. And even when agreeing, i'd be dismissed and THAT is when i grew the ultimate love-hate relationship, not just with my father and anyone remotely like him, but myself! Its those receptors -- i'm telling you its the receptors. -- 3 -- One day Master and i were taking O/our SCUBA certification course and i got panicked. It had happened previously many years ago. i had to sit out. Never mind that i was a competitive swimmer. The Dive Master (or Mistress in this case -- wow did i love her German-ness! ) parked me on some dock steps where the waves were throwing me off kilter. The equipment is of no consequence underwater but the weight of it is felt when you attempt to sit in shallow water with half of your body exposed and shivering. The other Dive Master approached and said, "oh, I see -- you think you're special, don't you?" and it was a chiding of course but wow did it sting to the point that even today and probably forever, i will associate that with the one thing that always hurts. i know i like to be thought of as "special" but wow, do i really think i'm entitled to some special sort of treatment? The receptors -- they cloud your vision, too! Well, i hope not -- i hope i never feel entitled. Deserving, okay, but that would mean i earned something. Entitled just means something along the lines of ... "entitled to a fair trial" and well, don't get me started! Basically there is no such thing as a fair trial unless you are one of the entitlement types with alot of money and then that doesn't mean "fair" anyway. That aside, dear God, if there is even ONE spec of me that is self-absorbed, please, may i change it NOW BEFORE my next life!! Now please let me get back to writing about myself. ~wink~ Maybe this is the receptor issue again -- maybe they cause me to reflect alot on motivations and such because afterall, i'm using less energy to deflect things -- the energy has to go somewhere. Wait a minute! -- i know!! -- Serotonin is just like a runaway kid whose family berates itself asking where they went wrong. Serotonin's temporary disappearance makes me ask, why? What happened? What did i do wrong? How can i get it BACK and FAST and ensure that it stays put? -- 4 -- The other day in the office, a woman said she was going to the funeral of a three year old boy. She was telling this to someone else and this time i decided that overhearing and responding when not addressed was perfectly within my right (yikes -- "within my right" -- that expression sounds like an entitlement expression). Everyone else was silent. No one expressed anything other than a sympathetic look, as in, "oh, that's too bad". They could have been talking about their own kid's disappointment at that horrific Giants/Jaguars game last week and well, that actually stirred MORE reaction at the office than the news of the three year old boy. Now i'm here, several days later, me and my receptors, still thinking of the three year old boy. i just applied for the Make A Wish credit card! With every single purchase, money is contributed to the organization. Its free -- it costs NOTHING! Why wouldn't anyone trade in their credit card for THIS credit card? -- 5 -- BOTTOM LINE: i'm really drifting far away right now ... i've been back in the vanilla landscape alot lately and yeah, okay, sure, it might be Tahitian Vanilla -- its still exotic and rich because i travel all lands as Master's slave. But at this very moment, i am so removed from Master and O/our world what with things that have come up and the bit of time to recuperate from surgery and ... and an array of other obligations and -------------- and and and -- well, things have gotten in the way of my being Master's slave even to the point that Master feels it -- and He doesn't even have those receptors!! Okay -- life is great but i'm just quiet and less exuberant today. Contemplative. Oh, if only to give into vapidness! How nice that might feel once and awhile. i'm not nearly that special as the little three year old boy, i'm definitely not AS dirty as the whores at the Lincoln Tunnel, and i'm so much better than i used to be. i'm enjoying the softness in me now whereas before i had to protect it or hide it and find disguises. i can deal with this quiet now and i can admit to not liking it whereas before, it would tear me apart and i'd either thrill-seek or self-destruct. Now i'm feeling the flannel and the flame inside and i have never felt anything more sensual in my life! You do know its ignitable, right? Its precisely the reason i'm misunderstood lots of times -- its exactly why i'm blamed as a culprit when often i'm stating my defense. Someone slight screaming LOUD is always misconstrued. And that of course just breeds and grows the receptors. i've said it only a million times -- Fiona Apple wrote my anthem, "fondle my trigger then blame my gun". The combination -- the sensitivity and the passion -- they are combustible. There is nothing about me that is flame-retardant -- nothing. i now have embraced it but the only problem at the moment is that it is just a little steady pilot light rather than the usual roaring inferno. i'm far away. The receptors feel numbed -- exactly the effect i used to try to achieve -- but now i've changed. i want them back! The receptors. i've learned to appreciate them. Well, they'll return. They'll heat up again. The good news is that, at least now, the light doesn't ever go out anymore. Change of temperature is acceptable now because the flame is perpetually aglow.